My life is complicated and simple. We are normal and
outside of society’s perfect little box. I am a mother, wife, employee, and
someone with mental illness.
You had a little gasp there, didn’t you?
Depression and anxiety are mental illnesses. They are
creepy little words that sneak up on me unexpectedly. One moment I’m at the top
of the world, only to feel frozen in fear and despair without warning.
When my skies are clear, I am a wife to the most
wonderful man in the entire world. I am mother to 3 precious children, a
son-in-law, and I’m soon to Nana to a precious little boy my oldest is blessing
us with. I am a very successful salesman and a very male dominated field.
When my skies are dark, I am a weak shell of a woman
terrified to get out of bed. I am irrational about my worth. I tell myself
hurtful lies: I’m not good enough. My family deserves better than me. I suck at
my job.
I freeze in the kitchen because something is out of
place. My heart starts to race and fear washes over me. Does this mean
everything is about to go downhill? I have no control and I want to crawl into
bed with the covers over my bed and just be left alone.
I physically hurt. My legs ache, my head hurts, my arms
tremble. It is hell. It feels everlasting and inescapable. It also feels very
lonely.
I wanted to share this blog to openly write about my
feelings. Even if no one ever reads it, it is my therapy and my proclamation to
the world that I am not ashamed.
-Lisa
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